


The Time to Celebrate

by TheGoldenSnidget



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-20
Updated: 2013-03-20
Packaged: 2017-12-05 22:20:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/728532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGoldenSnidget/pseuds/TheGoldenSnidget
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one thought that Shepard could have survived, once The Crucible hit the ground, but hope can be a powerful thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Time to Celebrate

**Author's Note:**

> If you're looking for right away smut, you're going to be disappointed.
> 
> That being said, I haven't written a full length fic in a long time. It might take a while for chapter two, because uni is getting crazy right now. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and enjoy the feelings.

Chapter One: **Ruination**

 

Things were looking grim from the battlefield, and even worse from the Normandy, after Shepard had forced him and Garrus to leave. Shepard’s rousing speech, given while the man was already in the Crucible, wasn’t enough to make Kaidan feel at ease in any sense of the word, especially since everyone could tell that Shepard was fighting to voice every word. It was obvious that he was wounded, but he would never admit how much, especially over the com. There was nothing that Kaidan could do and, despite being wounded, he hated that. He wanted to be there at Shepard’s side, fighting to his last breath to keep the man safe.

Pacing didn’t make him feel better, and worse, it made everyone stuck on the ship nervous. Garrus all but begged him to have a seat and let Dr. Chakwas have a look at his wounds, but he couldn’t sit still. Shepard was out there, and he was alone, and there was nothing that Kaidan could do to prevent him from being killed.

It seemed as though time stopped when the whole universe watched the Crucible crash to the ground. Kaidan felt his heart stop in his chest, and it seemed as though his world was ending. No amount of training in the world, and none of his work experience could have gotten him ready for losing Shepard. He didn’t know how long the skeleton crew remained silent, but it felt like an age.

“He can’t be dead.” It was all Kaidan could say before he moved away from the window. “He can’t be dead.”

Garrus placed a gnarled hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. It was no secret how Kaidan felt for the commander. “What are we waiting for? We need to get down there! We need… We need to…” The helplessness of the crew was nearly tangible through the recycled air of the ship. Kaidan knew, though, that until they found a body, Shepard could still be breathing. After all, he was fully stocked with medigel, and unless his suit was completely broken, and he knew that they couldn’t rule out the slight possibility of their commander’s survival.

“Major Alenko, if you do not sit down, I will have to sedate you.” He was bleeding all over the floor of the Normandy, and Chakwas had better things to do than wait for him to sit still so she could assess the damage. After all, he wasn’t the only bleeder on board. Though she was in no position to give anyone orders, she made the suggestion that they send in a team. It would be small, as most of the remaining crew was in the MedBay. Garrus volunteered at once, and Cortez stated that he would be willing to fly in a team on the remaining shuttle. Liara joined Garrus, having only a few cuts and bruises, and nothing that required immediate attention.

“Come with me, Major. We’ll get you patched up.” Dr. Chakwas was always kind, albeit in her harsh way. She cared about every person on the Normandy, and Kaidan knew how much it meant to her to be able to do her job, and to do it well. He followed without another protest, his mind always with Shepard, as he faded in the rubble of the Crucible.

*

For a long time, even after Garrus, Liara and Cortez returned to the Normandy with no good news, there was hope. The crew recognized the same as Kaidan. Until you found a body, there was no way to know if a person was dead. The evidence, though, was overwhelming. You’d have to have some kind of luck to survive the fall, some kind of force looking out for you. The last time Shepard died, Cerberus was there, and though Kaidan hated the group with all he was worth, he couldn’t say that he wasn’t thankful that they had been able to rebuild him.

But this time, Shepard didn’t have Cerberus.

Up until the commemorative service to his Commander, Kaidan had spent the majority of his time looking out the window of the starboard observatory. It was the one spot on the ship where he could think. He tried very hard to think about things other than Shepard; the war effort, what he could do to help the people of Earth, what he was going to do now that the war was over. But all thought lead back to Shepard.

Doubting that anything could take Kaidan’s mind off of their missing commander, the crew allowed him to go about as he would. Perhaps he wasn’t behaving correctly, according to protocol, but then again, you weren’t supposed to fall in love with your CO, either. They knew, though, that if they let Kaidan sit around and rot, the commander would kill them, and so they made sure to bring him food and drink throughout the day, and tried to make conversation when they could. Often, he wouldn’t join in on the conversation, but he would always listen. Cortez was especially good at keeping his mind off of things; after all, the shuttle pilot knew what it was like to lose the man you love. He stayed away from any topics he thought would be triggering, instead focusing on sharing the good with Kaidan; efforts to rebuild settlements – human and alien alike – and galactic news – when there was anything to share that didn’t concern the war.

With the commemorative service over – through which Kaidan had a hard time holding himself together – even Kaidan’s hope for Shepard’s survival was dwindling, after everyone else seemed to have already given up.

*

Promising himself that he wouldn’t put it off any longer, Kaidan headed up to the commander’s quarters on the Normandy, a full week after the service. He knew that he would never be ready to do it, and the crew had promised that he could be the one to go through Shepard’s things. The major had made sure that they wouldn’t touch anything.

He knew exactly how he would find the room. He remembered exactly as it was when he and the commander had walked out of it, side by side, on the morning of the final battle of the Reaper War. Kaidan knew that the paperwork the Commander had been going over would still be spread over the desk haphazardly. He knew that the bed would still be unmade, but he wondered if the sheets would still smell like the man he loved. Perhaps that was what he feared above all; something that would make him recall how it felt to sleep, back pressed against Shepard’s front, the man’s muscular arm wrapped around his waist as if he would lose Kaidan to some unknown force while he was asleep and defenceless.

Standing before the door to the cabin, Kaidan took a deep breath. He could remember the last time he stood here, just as nervous, but with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses in his hands. The whiskey would still be on the table, where he and Shepard left them before they headed to bed. He hoped that it was still good enough to drink, knowing that he would need it for what was to come.

Once Kaidan had turned off the messaging function on his omnitool, he opened the door. Immediately feeling the overwhelming sensation that he shouldn’t be there – not when Shepard wasn’t around – struck him like a ton of bricks. It took him a full minute to even step inside, closing the door behind him.

“What a mess.” Whether talking about himself, or the paperwork, dirty towels from their shared shower in his private washroom, and discarded clothes – all Shepard’s from the night they had consummated their relationship – it was unclear.

Step by step, Kaidan made his way through the office space, and into the area where Shepard’s bed sat, still unmade, one pillow on the floor from the time they spent enjoying each other’s company before they had to be down to get suited up. Bending down, he picked up the pillow from the floor, holding it to his face and breathing in.  Without bothering to take off his shoes, he crawled into the bed, keeping the pillow in his arms just to feel something again as he curled into the fetal position.

If he closed his eyes, he could feel Shepard, laying there at his side. Touching his face once they had finished their love making. Commenting on how brown his eyes were, and pressing little kisses to the major’s bruised lips, his neck, his fingers, his shoulders…

He didn’t even notice that he was crying, tears staining his cheeks and the pillow beneath his head.

Hours passed before be moved from this position, startled up by the hiss of the door as it slid open. His eyes had since run dry, all out of tears, though he was sure that his face was red and swollen. When he looked up, he saw Cortez there, rubbing his hands together. He was trying to come up with the right thing to say.

“Hello, Major.”

Lieutenant Cortez took a couple steps in. It wasn’t only Kaidan that the room seemed to affect. Kaidan made an attempt to be friendly, replying with a quiet, “Hey.”

“You’ve been up here for a long time.” He looked around, seeming to pause to look at the alcohol, then the model ships, then the collection of books on the shelf. “I thought it would be a good idea to check up on you.” He wanted to ask if he was okay, but he already knew the answer to that. After all, he had lived through a similar thing. Losing a loved one was never easy.

“You don’t have to check up on me.”

“Shepard would have killed us if we didn’t.” He remained standing for a moment, silent, looking the Major over before having a seat on the sofa. It put some distance between them, but that’s exactly what Kaidan had done since they returned from Earth.

“You don’t need to worry about me, Lieutenant. No one should worry about me.” He hated bringing the crew down. He knew that he should be out there, doing his duty, and that the crew should have reported him by now. The Alliance should have removed him from their ship. But they never said anything, acting more like friends and family than co-workers. He appreciated that.

“But I do. We all do, Kaidan.” He wished that there was something he could say, but he knew that there was really nothing. After all, it had been Shepard who helped him get over the death of his husband, Robert.

“I’m alright,” he lied, looking down into his lap. “I’ll be alright.”

“Are you sure? You can confide in me, Kaidan. I can be a good ear to talk into.”

Kaidan shook his head. “There’s nothing to say. I… I don’t know what to say.”

“Robert told me something once. “Don’t make me an anchor”. When I heard him say that for the first time, and every time afterwards, I hated that he would say that.” Steve wet his lips, standing up again to walk around the room, hands clasped together behind his back. “It was only when Shepard made me snap out of it that I realized I was still doing exactly that. Robert was always my anchor.” He smiled at the happy memories of the husband he missed so much. “The point is, Kaidan, that Commander Shepard wouldn’t have wanted you to let yourself waste away. I understand what it’s like to mourn. Trust me, I do. But don’t lock yourself away.”

Kaidan let that all sink in. He knew about Steve and his husband, and he knew that it was incredibly hard on the pilot to let him go. “He’d hate that I’m mourning like this.” He sniffed, in an attempt to keep his nose from running. “Steve, I… I can’t do this. He’s gone, and the world might be a better place thanks to him, but he’s still… gone.” His voice cracked at the last word, his eyes somehow finding enough tears to wet his cheeks anew. “I’m sorry that I make you all worry, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m lost without him.” He wiped his own cheeks with the back of his hand, lolling his head back to look at the ceiling, as if that action would stop his tears.

“I know it’s hard. Just remember that you have friends here, Kaidan. I’m always available, any time you need someone to talk to.”

“Copy that, Lieutenant.” Kaidan forced himself to give Steve a small, sad smile. Steve considered that a little victory.

“I do mean any time. If you need me in the middle of the night, I’m not far away.”

Kaidan appreciated that, more than anything. He had felt so alone in this beforehand. “Thank you. I really mean it, thanks for --”

Before he had the chance to continue, Joker came in through the intercom. “Alenko, if you’re in there, there’s something you really need to see.”

“Yeah, I’m here. Can you send it up to Shep—the terminal?”

“Done.”

There was a “ping!” of the terminal, indicating a new message, and Steve looked curiously towards it. Kaidan stood, walking over and sitting himself down in the chair as he opened the message. It was from Admiral Hackett, who was still stationed on Earth, helping with the relief and rebuilding efforts in London. The message read:

                _Major Alenko._

_There’s something you need to see._

_I can’t give you more details about the package which I am sure is something very precious to you. Please dock as soon as you can in London, and I will set up a shuttle to take you to where the cargo is being held._

_Admiral Hackett_

Steve watched Kaidan read the message several times. “Major?” Kaidan swallowed the lump in his throat. Could this mean..?

“Shepard…” What else could the “precious cargo” be? Kaidan knew that the connections between terminals might not be secure. Hackett wouldn’t have been able to outright say that they had found the commander alive, for fear of Cerberus finding him to finish the job. Shepard certainly wouldn’t have been able to defend himself in that instance. “Jesus Christ. It has to be Shepard.”

Cortez’s eyes went wide for a moment. “You mean, they found him?” Kaidan moved aside so Cortez could read the short message as well, and when he finished, the lieutenant had to have a seat as well.

“I… I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it sounds like…” He wondered if it was just going to be his body, or if there would be breath to it. Would Shepard be in a coma? Would be broken from head to toe? He could only hope that the damage was minimal, but he couldn’t be let down. Not again. “Joker, can you send Admiral Hackett a message with a time? We need to get there as soon as possible.”

“I’m on it, Kaidan.”


End file.
